cry of joy

when i was younger, i never understood the meaning of crying out of happiness.

i mean, why cry when you're happy right?

but... i think i got it wrong... the feeling of crying because you're so happy... i think, contains a lot more emotions, more complexity, than just 'being happy'.

there's the sadness from knowing that the feeling is ephemeral, the disappointment from knowing that something however short or long has come to an end, the relief that comes with joy, and the over-spill of emotions that just overwhelm you to no end.... i think those are a few things that make it possible to work one's way up to the climax that is better known as "crying out of sheer happiness".

sometimes, i think i'm getting too drunk on my own emotions. but is that wrong? i wish i could invoke them and cry or laugh over them whenever i wanted. but humans are very forgetful creatures it seems...

i wonder if there will ever be a time when i can freely just enjoy 'feeling'... instead of feeling guilty over 'wasting time'... or so other people label it. i don't think it's wasting time at all... because, what else is there in life than to appreciate the things in it and the emotions it elicits?

i don't know... may sound like hedonism, but i never said that those 'emotions' are necessarily pleasurable in the earthly or bodily sense. no... more like... i feel like i'm actually feeling something when i experience those emotions... whatever they may be.

maybe that IS hedonism haha... but oh well...

emotions rule everything human after all...

being young must be so nice...

*sigh*

why...<3

why do people always want to be in a relationship?

why is it that one of the most major things on a person's mind is the opposite sex? (or whatever your preference is...)

why can't a person just be content by themselves? must someone always be in constant search?

i mean, can't you just live your life and ... what do you know?... maybe someone will come along?

i mean, i understand if someone is getting older and is concerned about starting a family before they get too old. but that's not the case for me and definitely not the case for people around me... and yet that's how i feel everyone around me IS.

in constant search for someone to be with and, if there's no one that really catches the person's attention, the person just choses from the pool of potentials that we are surrounded by.

why is this?

why must there be someone... always?

is it so bad to be single?

i'll never know why there's this constant struggle to find someone in the back of everyone's mind. it's always there, playing out strategies and possibilities.

i find it... annoying... a little.

it's not that i don't understand the basic reasons for it. it's good to be in a real relationship or even a not-so-good one for experience or something... but... i mean come on, the constant and ongoing search is a bit much.

i hate it even more when it's all a person will talk about. ... you know, the potentials... in every group/situation/place.

it's grating on my nerves... but i'm pretty sure that everyone else thinks that this is normal.

maybe i just have this cinderella/sleeping beauty complex that makes me feel like a prince charming will just coincidentally show up one day if it's "fated"(something i'm not convinced of either). but, i get that this is... a fairy tale situation and that most people have to work really hard to get the girl/guy of their dreams... or not-so-dreams.

but ... i don't know... why can't random meetings or coincidental ones happen?

something wrong

there is something definitely wrong with me.

a few days ago, my professor described "agoraphobia" as some one who didn't like going out of his/her house and enjoying being alone in a familiar place... to an extreme.

this makes sense of course... nothing like "wow, really?!" type of information here... but i always thought of it as fearing "crowds" not the "other way", like being more comfortable indoors.

i guess it just made me do a double take because that's how i am... extremely comfortable indoors. haha... not to say that any kind of indoors environment will do, because that's not it at all.

nope, it's only in my definite and defined personal space that i enjoy dwelling in. i always say that a room with a bathroom is perfect because, then, technically, you don't have to step out.

is this a sign of agoraphobia?
i don't know... but it sure seems close.

but then again, there isn't a definte black or white with these things. just a threshold where it gets too extreme i suppose.

maybe i'm just a little more normal than that line... just.

but i just can't help feel that there's something wrong with me in the "social" department.

it's not just me being awkward... it's me not even wanting to try. hating situations like ... the ones i hate.

is there something wrong?
or is it just me being me?

even if something was wrong though... i don't think i'll ever want to stop.
although, sometimes, being normal can come in handy. :/

clandestine maybe's

i think that there are some people who thrive on secrets.

it may be the general gossip-like secrets about your best friend or your neighbor, the one who wears the same bath robe and smells like yesterday's grass mowed with that rusty green tractor thing that he's so proud of.

but me?

i thrive off of my own secrets.

i like to tell myself that they're not harmful... no... not harmful at all.

maybe a secret trip to that new store in town, the one that sells all the funny looking hats.
or maybe it's a study date with a new friend.

these are the things i like keeping from others in my web of life. not that there are many of those either.

i just think that there is no reason for someone to know the complete me. no one NEEDS to know everything about me. and until i find someone that truely NEEDS this, i will always be keeping secrets.

but, at the same time, i'll be flattered if the right person has noticed something. has caught a stray thread and pulled it. it has to be the right person though, which makes me think that maybe i've wanted this person to know... maybe i've wanted this person to be the one that NEEDS.

maybe...

but who knows.

sometimes, i think i'm keeping secrets from myself.
i mean, i probably am... who knows what i'm thinking when i myself don't know?
will there EVER be someone who knows? maybe... maybe never.

or MAYbe, i'm just full of my shit and need to get off it.
MAYbe i'm just simple sally and it's as easy as pecan pie to understand what the hell i'm thinking or doing or wanting...

MAYBE...

and this is exactly why i like this word... and hate it at the same time.

maybe.